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Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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5:47 pm - and the living is easy
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It suddenly occured to me that I have been with one man for more than a year and I have yet to become stir-crazy. This is an event to be remembered, of course, and I will celebrate with the not-so-expensive champagne I purchased at the semi-questionable liquor store across from the hole in the wall restaurant we attended on our arbitrarily dated (as we do not remember a precise day) one year anniversary.
We are living together and we have a cat and yet I am not afraid to hold his hand in public or kiss his palms at a table. I do not feel the need to run away, nor the need to try new things. All in all, he is the groove of comfort in which my needle may be placed. And furthermore, our harmony is perfect (even if it is a bit eerie and scratches sometimes).
I do not question his motives to stay but I do sometimes wonder if he had planned on ending up with me. It is all a bit of happenstance, ending with a girl like me. Certainly not anything someone does with the slightest hint of intention. And he is in fact a decent but not arresting amount older. If he would like to settle down, I cannot tell. But sometimes he gets this look in his eye when he sees fathers with children. When we are in the grocery store, he checks faces to see if people think perhaps we are really together. He'll read the paper in the morning before going to work, kiss me goodbye, and tell me to have a nice day. This routine doesn't seem to grow old to him.
My worry is that I do not know what I want. I feel no need or desire to leave, but am I always going to want to stay?
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Ella and Louis...
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(2 movements | the flesh index)
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| Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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2:02 am
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It is my new favorite thing to slink about various online journals and live out people's lives. Today I was a high school student in Minnesota. My crush walked by my locker without saying hello again and I was plagued with worry that maybe the advances he made in my morning Spanish class were all for nought. However, at lunch he did a bit of a head bob and I was of course reassured again.
Earlier, I was spouting philosophy without ever talking really about my life, save to explain my most recent location change and a brief bit about my current jobs. I soon returned to my news reel existance without a thought of the poetry I had written a few days before.
Yesterday I was in London on a holiday and I met up with a close friend of mine for drinks. It turns out he is engaged to be married and that the feelings of love I thought I had for him aren't feelings at all. The announcement was a relief.
Quite possibly most intriguing was when I had an office job. It seems everyone is being laid off and that the girl in accounting has simply the most divine tits I've ever laid eyes upon. We got a memo about some of the changes being made and restructuring. I think I am secure but I cannot be too sure. I just hope they don't drop the hot tits in accounting or that girl in the mail room with the high heels and short skirt. My penis could hardly recover from that.
(Incidentally, it turns out, my life is a lot of the same. I am beginning to feel stagnant. My love is good but it is sometimes hard to escape routine. Save Kama Sutra and a brief respite from work duties, I fear we are either in for seperation or a lovely fifty more years together with rocking chairs and knitting. However, we did get a cat. His name is Florence and he is a ball of grey delight.)
current mood:  sleepy
current music: The Amelie Soundtrack
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(the flesh index)
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| Monday, March 21st, 2005
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9:38 pm - your heart is a river that pours from your chest
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I was watching television for the first time in what seems like a long time. I was watching and found that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was on some obscure cable station that my significant other recieves with his obscenely large cable plan.
It was perhaps the greatest unplanned delight I've had in months.
We are the musicmakers and we are the dreamers of dreams...
current mood: nostalgic
current music: songs like fingerprints of my childhood...
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(the flesh index)
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| Sunday, March 20th, 2005
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1:54 pm - this is unlike the story it was written to be
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It is always a delight to remember my pixel-journal. I've moved on to yet another hardcopy journal, the pages of the other bursting and scented by everything that has happened but here I leave mostly a skeleton of myself.
I think I wish that somewhere in cyberspace someone will happen across me and think "That Girl...I wonder who She could Be"
I've had Lilac in Kellan and I's apartment for days and days now. It is drowning me into some dreamy half existence that is hard to overcome and sometimes the scent overpowers me in such a way that I can do nothing but sit silent and contemplate.
Sometimes I am cooking and I notice my hands getting older. I chop vegetables and look at them and think about time passing in the lines on my palm. Sometimes he will kiss these thoughts away.
I heard someone on the beach refer to the sunsets as lackluster. It seemed absurd but it is true. They all seem to be blending into mediocrity for me. I almost feel I should get away to somewhere not-as-beautiful. Just to make this place new again.
And to halt the weathering of my tired hands.
current mood: pensive
current music: Joanna Newsom
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(the flesh index)
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| Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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2:01 am - !
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1:45 am - you'll ask me to pray for rain
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Perhaps it is the hum of my computer that bothers me so. These days I mostly keep a hardcopy journal. The binding is breaking on it and I had to tie it up in some spare ribbon I found in one of Kellan's closets. I think it is the remnant carnage of a gift he attempted to wrap for me. I think it was an old scarf he'd found at a vintage store on a trip he took to Seattle.
I wore that scarf the other day. We were sitting outside, I was mocking smoke with my two fingers pressed absently to my lips, in the other hand a gin and tonic. Kellan was talking about something he had done as a child, something involving kites. I really should be a better listener.
I waited until my hypothetical cigarette had run out before I crawled into his arms. It is funny how someone can become like home to you:
their arms and legs like walls and windows, their torso a roof, the bare floor of their voice.
I cannot remember any time before that felt like this. Like all over comfortable but still like new.
It is all good things.
current mood:  loved
current music: Cinder and Smoke by Iron and Wine
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(the flesh index)
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| Monday, July 12th, 2004
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1:52 am - Being alive may cause death or serious injury: but don't fret!
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As I watched the dim trails of firework-reflection make circles in the lakes and grass spread out before me, I realized that being alive is only half of life itself.
Romanticized and slightly intoxicated, I spent the rest of the evening dancing with sparklers in the sand and watching children from the porch that spreads out beyond Kellan's master bedroom.
There was one boy in particular with his sparkler in hand who at each moment of light passing seemed to be dimly unaware of the beauty he held in his hand. I felt a tinge of empathy well up in me: I suddenly wanted to grab this boy and shake him. He need not become the person I was growing up. He need not become so apathetic that he cannot even feel his heart palpitating in his chest, begging him to feel something. Anything!
This numbness of life has been like a cruel joke played on me with each passing moment. My cardigan sweater provides more than warmth: it is like a bullet proof shell the summer cannot pierce through. But in a somewhat valiant effort to rekindle this death within me, it all stops now.
I lie in bed watching Kellan's lips move in his sleep: like he was reading poetry to his subconcious self. The cieling seemed to tell me stories in popcorn shaped codes I couldn't decipher. And finally, in a surge of unprecedented mercy, my lids grew heavy, making way for a lovely night's sleep.
current mood:  content
current music: Jesus, etc by Wilco
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(the flesh index)
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| Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
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12:17 am - We both got fired on exactly the same day...
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Things have been not so much hectic lately as much as frequent. While I have had a lot going on, it has not been stressful or unpleasant by any means. Yet I find myself feeling an emptiness inside. A pit-of-stomach pain, much like muscle cramping, only it is my heart that is cramping and my stomach is crying back in respite.
I must make atonement with my body before it gobbles me up.
Lately I have been re-reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower and I cannot help but find myself falling in love with Charlie all over again. It is not often that a fictional character is written to be so real. He is incredible to identify with.
Sometimes I find myself in a fantasy world (as I often do lately) and I feel this urge to call up Charlie and invite him to my house for some tea, and to give him a mix tape that will make him ohsohappy. It's rather sad when I remember that he is not real. How I wish he were real. Like a Pinnocchio situation, only Charlie is not even a puppet.
Recently, I spent a few days at Kellan's apartment. He, being older and successful, has some nice digs, but they just don't have the homey bohemian feel that my apartment permeates. I did enjoy the time with him though. I wish that relationship would progress into comfort though...I often feel as if I am in a constant front.
I do not yet feel as if I can be Tori around him...rather, I feel like I am someone else. A Miranda or Janine, perhaps. But not Tori. It's almost enough for me to feel as if I should terminate the relationship. But maybe I'm just being silly.
Either way, despite the sadness my life is this now-moment-perfection--I feel like things are as they should be for now, and for now that is all I need.
current mood: content
current music: Float On by Modest Mouse
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(1 movement | the flesh index)
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| Saturday, April 24th, 2004
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10:47 pm - multitudes of coexisting in this particular filament
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Things have been existing in pleasant ways lately. I've been a bit of a homebody...I like my apartment so much that sometimes I do not want to leave. It can almost be considered a bad thing; I'm a recluse now and all the neighborhood children will soon think I'm a witch or something.
Usually Kellan brings over some chinese or picks up take-out from this great mexican restaurant by his work. Other times I cook a big bowl of pasta or have a big salad. Sometimes my friend Danielle visits and we watch The Bachelor. I feel fairly lazy but I am maintaining a job, so I do not know what I have to feel lazy about.
I've been in a bit of a baking frenzy lately. I'm sure it would be an amusing sight to see with my apron on, feverishly mixing dough, waiting in anticipation for the timer to go off. Hopefully it will help me put on a bit of weight though, as I've been wasting away into an oblivion. I always like my body better when there is the slightest touch of roundness to it.
In other news, my latest plant is doing quite well. I have been very meticulous in my care for it, and it seems to be adapting to it's environment in the most lovely of ways...so that is nice.
On a closing note--there is no softer place than my bed as the air filters in through the screen.
current mood:  lazy
current music: Imagine by John Lennon
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(the flesh index)
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| Friday, April 16th, 2004
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3:31 pm
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I must say that possibly my favorite weather in the whole entire world has to be a scorching hot day with a thunderstorm in the late afternoon.
Nothing beats that. Absolutely nothing.
current mood: refreshed
current music: Neutral Milk Hotel
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(1 movement | the flesh index)
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| Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
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12:38 am - ...it's ever so satisfying
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Last evening I was laying in my bed in the big room that serves as my bedroom/living room/office/entryway. Kellan was laying on his side, shirtless under the sheet and making sighs that rose and fell with the sound of the waves.
I pulled on a cardigan sweater and sat turning my toes over to look at the dimensions of my skin in the moonlight. I left the window open and the sea salt smell overpowered me. I almost became dizzy with all the senses melding into something.
I leaned over Kellan and kissed the back of his neck. He groaned slightly, turn toward me and smiled and went right back to sleep. He was awake only long enough to drape his arm over my shoulder, where it fell to the concave my waist and eventually rested on my hip.
The impermanence of my life had been getting to me in the past few weeks. Not only am I unable to tell if my relationship with Kellan is leading into something more serious (sometimes I just want to sex him up...others I want to have his babies), but I am constantly hopping from job to unstable job.
My mother frequently asks me if I'll settle into my life or not and lately I have felt like I am failing at myself. But in that exact moment with Kellan's chest moving my cheek up and down with each breath, I realized that everything is okay as long as I'm happy.
And I really hope that I am happy.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Human Behaviour by Bjork
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(the flesh index)
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| Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
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11:31 pm - you're a few years overdue...i spent them waiting here for you...
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Things are adjusting here in Redondo Beach quite nicely. My lived-in apartment is beginning to mold to me. I got some great furniture at this random store by my friend Marina's house and it's beautiful, all sleek and nice lines and the most comfortable couch I have ever slept on.
I have airy, sheer fabrics everywhere and it's beginning to make the apartment feel like some kind of bohemian paradise. Some days I just want to lounge around in my panties and a sweater and not brush my hair.
I also got a plant. I am hoping that with a little affection, I can keep this one alive. There is little that makes me as sad as a clearly dying plant, especially when there is nothing I can do about it.
Lila and Michael are the most darling things ever in the history of the world. Just yesterday I was reading to them from a lovely book of stories about gnomes and faeries and such and Lila curled up with her head on my lap and went to sleep and Michael with a blanket and pillow at my feet. I was imprisoned and had little choice but to watch a bit of tv and try not to disturb them. Absolutely precious little angels, they are.
I went on a date recently with a man named Kellan. He is very intelligent and well travelled, and frankly I am quite attracted to him. I'm not sure if there is a real spark between us and I'm not about to chase him so hopefully he'll call me and we can see if something happens. I am in great need of some sexual healing.
The ocean sounds like its humming tonight. It's beautiful. Nothing like a glass of wine and the humming crash of waves to make a night wonderful.
current mood:  good
current music: Overdue by The Get Up Kids
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(1 movement | the flesh index)
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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10:24 pm - ...a pregnant pause.
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Once again I've gone a considerable time between posts. But to the excitement of the few of you who still occasionally read this, I am posting.
Due to the split with Ezra, I no longer felt any need to live in Northern Colorado so I moved back to California only now I am living at Redondo Beach rather than Huntington Beach. I like it here, it's comfortable and cozy and I adore being back at the ocean.
I was sitting in the park one day reading The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides when a little girl named Lila came and sat next to me and asked me some questions. Her mother Denise followed and we got to talking and now I am babysitting both Lila and her older brother Michael three days a week. I am also working as a salesperson at Barnes and Noble, but I am considering leaving that job.
Right now the apartment I live in is lovely. It is still very bare and white but something about it is so lived in. It's comfortable, it suits me.
My libido has been down lately. I have always been a sexual and sensual woman and I miss having someone to talk to but maybe I will find someone soon. Meanwhile I'll have to come up with other means for handling my feminine desires...
I have also decided that Franzia boxed wine is fine for me as I am on a budget. No, it is not horribly interesting or indulgent but its fine and it fits so conveniently in my refridgerator door.
All in all things are doing beautifully. I hope to make some new friends soon.
current mood: relaxed
current music: Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
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(2 movements | the flesh index)
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| Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
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12:58 am
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I must say, I downright forgot I even had a journal that I could post too. I'm surprised it has not been deleted...amazed in fact, that livejournal bothered to even keep my pathetic excuse of a diary alive. But now that I have rediscovered it, I think I will update.
I moved from Southern California to Northern Colorado. Things got pretty serious with Ezra...there was even some kind of vague talk of longterm commitment: marriage children and the what not. We decided to move out here. The mountainous terrain provides for some beautiful photography, but I cannot seem to shake the ocean from my system. Twas a sad thing to leave indeed.
But these things work out as they do. I've a job as a nanny 3-4 days a week in this young couple's home. Their daughter, Marina, is the sweetest thing to ever come into the earth.
I am also currently seeking some new love. Looking around and the what not, we will see what will happen. Lately I have been trying to paint, but it seems I've no talent in that arena.
However, my life is beginning to stabilize. There is still financial trouble and all but these things come and go. The point is I am finding myself content with my current surroundings and sitatuion, and perhaps being content will one day lend itself to happiness. But I am comfortable, and I believe that is what really matters.
current mood: content
current music: Playground Love by Air
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(5 movements | the flesh index)
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| Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
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1:23 am - once my lover
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I've spent the last week at Huntington Beach with Ezra and a few friends at a house Ezra's family has there.
It has been utterly blissful just spending some time away from it all. I did a bit of surfing, some shopping, a lot of just enjoying myself for once...that's been rare, finding time to enjoy myself.
I think perhaps, I need to quit my job and get a new one. I am rather tired of waitressing. The tips are excellent and thus the pay is decent, but it's just so tiring for me. I just wish there weren't bills to pay.
My much needed escape has provided me with a chance to get a lot closer to Ezra, and I think that will lead to us forming as a couple. Neither Mike nor Brendan seem to be going in that direction, and everyday Ezra seems to care about me more. It makes me feel like a 14 year old girl again. He's so stunningly wonderful my heart tends to skip a beat and my stomach swallows up all surrounding vital organs.
he's truly such a nice boy. he makes me feel taken care of. I know I often put on this facade of being independent and strong and secure in my single womanness, but I truly enjoy being loved on. It brings me smiles.
Hope all is well, but I best sleep. Must work tomorrow...rather long shift. ta!
current mood:  crushed
current music: Fiona Apple
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(3 movements | the flesh index)
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| Saturday, June 1st, 2002
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12:06 am
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sometimes you just need elliot smith, old love letters, incense, and sexy lingerie.
current mood: nostalgic
current music: Elliot Smith
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(the flesh index)
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| Friday, May 31st, 2002
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8:49 pm - Ha
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It amuses me that I write to this journal as if for an audience, but I don't think anyone reads it.
Does anyone read it?
current mood:  amused
current music: Portishead
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(5 movements | the flesh index)
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8:33 pm - Last Night
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I went to an 80's themed costume party. Somewhere from the bowels of my closet I was able to uncover some fishnets, a pleated skirt, and my devo shirt. I was very proud of myself. I went there with Brendan and it was quite a good time. I think something might come of that, but he hasn't really made any steps towards trying to make me adore him.
I am glad not so glad it is summer. The beach is getting far too crowded. So many bikini clad bleach blondes tanning in one area isn't so good for the senses. I've considered going on a mini-vacation up to lake tahoe for the weekend to the cabin my parents have up there. perhaps i'll take one of the boys with me and we can fish or hike or enjoy the hard rock cafe.
Should I have this sort of weakspot for peach scnaupps? Is it healthy?
current mood:  flirty
current music: The Faint
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(2 movements | the flesh index)
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| Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
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6:28 pm
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5:43 pm
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and this is my last one, which I can use in referring to my plethora of sexual escapades. or, it just looks pretty also. can fit my "fiesty" moods.
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(the flesh index)
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indigenoustoo's journal
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